


Cockaigne

by crimsonherbarium



Category: Oglaf (Webcomic)
Genre: Dubious Consent, Hand Jobs, Ivan gets in over his head, M/M, Mild Smut, Poisoning, Wine, Xoa, is there such a thing as hand job interruptus, let's face it anything involving sandoval is going to be dubcon at best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 10:57:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18520063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonherbarium/pseuds/crimsonherbarium
Summary: The Xoan Ambassador takes it upon himself to give the Apprentice a geography lesson.





	Cockaigne

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by the lovely [raunchyandpaunchy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raunchyandpaunchy)!

It was turning out to be a pretty shit week for Ivan.

The guards had spent the better part of it sending him ever more lurid fake love notes, and now whenever he passed them in the halls they fell apart laughing to the point of convulsions. He’d burnt his fingers pretty badly after getting distracted oiling down the Hot Bitches. Mistress, cross with him over some transgression he’d still not managed to identify, had punished him by locking him in a room full of elaborately-fucking acrobats and then robbing him of his eyesight so he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the festivities.

And the Xoan ambassador had summoned him to his chambers. Again.

Ivan groaned loudly when he received the message, pulling on his robes in a huff and stepping over the laughter-stricken body of the guard who’d delivered it. It was the middle of the gods-damned night. And of two things, he could be certain: that the ambassador would be drunk, and that this was not going to go well for him.

It never did.

~~~~~~

“Come iiiiiiin,” the ambassador called in a sing-song voice just as Ivan raised his hand to knock on the door. He sighed heavily. Yep, drunk already. This was going to be great.

“You asked for me?” Ivan glanced warily around the room for obvious traps or signs that Mistress was observing the proceedings. Getting on her bad side again was the last thing he needed.

From somewhere in the depths of the room, the ambassador chuckled. “You can relax. She’s off entertaining the visiting dignitaries from Suckoffia tonight.” He gestured. “Come out of the doorway, you’re letting all the mystique out.”

“The…mystique?” Ivan stepped hesitantly into the room. The door fell shut behind him. He winced as he heard the lock snick shut.

“Mmm. Yes.”

Ivan carefully maneuvered his way through the mountains and valleys of stacked silk brocade cushions and precariously perched candles that filled the ambassador’s chambers. Rather than create a cozy impression, the harsh shadows thrown by the flickering flames rippled and moved in a way that made Ivan profoundly uneasy. He heard the giggle of some sexy company the ambassador had been entertaining from somewhere in the darkness nearby.

He eventually managed to locate the ambassador within the depths of the chamber, sprawled out on a pile of cushions as if they were a throne. His lips were painted a dark color that was already heavily smudged outside the lines of his mouth. He held a gilded chalice precariously in one hand that was full to the brim with some sort of fortified wine. The scent of it was heady and _powerful_. Even at this distance, it made Ivan’s head spin.

The ambassador’s face lit up when his eyes settled on Ivan. “There’s my favorite apprentice!”

“I’m the _only_ apprentice,” Ivan grumbled, plopping down on a cushion at what he judged to be a safe distance from the ambassador and drawing his knees up to his chest.

The ambassador waved his hand dismissively. “Semantics.”

“May I ask why you summoned me?” Ivan couldn’t help but notice at this point that the ambassador was clothed only in an open silk robe that fell loosely from his shoulders and a severe black corset that left his nipples exposed. Another, smaller cushion was positioned strategically between his thighs. Ivan pointedly averted his eyes.

“Ah, yes.” The ambassador took a long draught from his chalice. “I’d nearly forgotten.” He gestured widely; the crimson liquid that filled his cup sloshed perilously close to the rim but did not spill. “I had a thought, whilst enjoying myself earlier. Your mistress may be teaching you the erotic ways of magic—”

“Esoteric?” Ivan interrupted. “And she hasn’t really taught me any—”

“—But there are bound to be gaps in your education,” the Ambassador continued without pausing. “And so, I’ve taken it upon myself to…fill those holes.” He grinned widely.

“Oh no,” Ivan muttered under his breath.

The ambassador bit his lip seductively. “Are you not pleased, young apprentice?”

“Well, I was sort of hoping you’d called me here to apologize for the rowboat thing?”

The ambassador blinked. “Rowboat?”

“Or for poisoning me?”

“Heavens, when did I do that? You’ll have to forgive me, poisoning is a method of displaying affection where I come from.”

Ivan sighed. “Ambassador—”

“Sandoval.” The ambassador’s pointed teeth glinted in the dancing light of the fire.

“Right. Listen, it’s the middle of the night, and if I’m late oiling down the Hot Bitches again because of this Mistress will be cross—”

“Then we’ll simply not tell her.”

Ivan gulped.

“I wished to tell you about my native land of Xoa,” Sandoval said with a wistful expression on his face. “I’ve been missing it, despite myself. It does have a certain charm…” He trailed off, his gaze unfocused. “Ah, but wait!” he said, coming back to himself. “You’ll be needing a drink.”

“No, please—”

“Nonsense.” Sandoval snapped a finger and a servant materialized at his side.

“Yes, Excellency?” The creature, which appeared to be some sort of goblin, bowed low. Its nipple chains scraped the floor.

“Fetch our guest a drink.”

Ivan shook his head. “I really don’t need—”

A matching chalice was in his own hand before he could finish his sentence. The strong wine within matched the scent of that in Sandoval’s. It glimmered menacingly, its aroma daring him to take a sip. He resisted.

“Didn’t, uh.” He swallowed. “Didn’t your servant used to be taller?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes.” Sandoval drank deeply from his own cup. “He perished, I’m afraid. An unfortunate lubeworm accident.”

“Right.” Ivan looked around for a place to set his chalice, but every surface appeared to be made of cushion. He settled for holding it as far away from his face as he could possibly manage.

“Where was I? Ah yes, Xoa. What do you know of Xoa, apprentice?”

“You’re the only Xoan I’ve ever met,” Ivan replied. _And you haven’t exactly made a great impression._

Sandoval clapped his hands excitedly, which turned out to be a bad decision since one of them was still engaged in holding his chalice. The wine did spill a bit this time, running down his fingers in droplets of crimson. He licked the drips from his skin in an impressive display of lingual dexterity.

Ivan stared.

“Dear Xoa,” Sandoval sighed. “It’s lovely there, you know. The capital sits at the convergence of four magnificent rivers: one of wine, one of oil, one of chocolate, and one of honey. It’s quite a sight to see. The palace towers over all, and in the main square is a statue of an enormous gilded cock.”

“Rivers of wine and oil,” Ivan repeated with an incredulous expression on his face. “What do you drink, then, if there’s no water?”

“Water?” Sandoval looked profoundly disgusted. “You _drink_ that stuff?”

“…Yes?”

Sandoval shuddered. “I pity you, my darling apprentice. Such little imagination…”

Ivan narrowed his eyes. “Right. So, Xoa?”

“Ah, yes.” Sandoval drank deeply from his cup. “But you’ve not touched your wine! Leaving me to drink alone is terribly rude, you know.”

“You’re going to poison me again, aren’t you,” Ivan said flatly.

Sandoval pressed a hand to his chest in a gesture of mock indignation, collapsing backward dramatically onto his pile of cushions. “You wound me.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow.

“Fine,” Sandoval said, sighing. He sat up suddenly and plucked Ivan’s goblet from his grasp, pressing his own half-empty one into his hand. “There, now you’ve got my cup and I’ve got yours. Clearly I’m not dead, so this one must be safe to drink, yes?”

Ivan squinted at the wine. It glimmered back in a way he couldn’t quite trust.

“Come onnnn,” Sandoval whined. “This wine is a Xoan delicacy, you know. Imported at great expense. I’d be deeply offended if you refused me. And I can only imagine how vexed your Mistress would be if she found out you’d insulted her favorite ambassador.” He rested his hand on his chin and batted his eyelashes.

Overwhelmed by the profound feeling that he was going to regret this decision, Ivan brought the goblet to his lips and sipped. The wine embraced him like an old friend, its aroma caressing his nose as the warmth of alcohol spread immediately through his chest. He could feel his face flushing.

Sandoval grinned, apparently satisfied. “That’s the spirit! Now then, back to Xoa. Perhaps the most delectable of my homeland’s many sumptuous attractions are nestled deep in the Cockaigne mountains. There resides a sect of monks, followers of St. Priapus, who have devoted their lives to mastering the penile arts.” Sandoval sighed wistfully. “Truly, they are doing the work of the divines. I visited their monastery in my youth and found their teachings to be quite…illuminating.”

Ivan took another sip of his wine. It was hard to stop, once he’d begun. Its scent promised rich, dark fruits and intoxicating flowers dripping with nectar.

“To the east of the monastery, across a lake of honey wine, lies an abbey wherein the most pious and nubile of nuns spend their days on their knees—and, occasionally, their backs—in service to our goddess of delectable deviancy. In the spring, under the light of the swelling cockmoon, the nuns and the monks come together for a magnificent feast and festival where they share the fruits of their labors with the common folk. The last time I attended, I was so thoroughly satisfied that I couldn’t walk for three days afterward.”

Whether it was the wine or the ambassador’s story, Ivan could not say, but his cock stirred in his trousers. He shifted uncomfortably on his cushion.

Sandoval, who had continued to expound upon the delights of the flesh that could be found in the mountains of his homeland, broke off with a devilish grin upon noticing the bulge in Ivan’s trousers. “Why, my dear apprentice. Is my tale proving to be too much for you?”

“N-no,” Ivan stammered, trying in vain to conceal his erection.

Sandoval stood triumphantly, draining his goblet of wine and tossing it aside with a clatter. The cushion which had up until this point been hiding his shame fell away, exposing the full length of his erect cock. He posed in front of Ivan as the flickering candlelight bathed his body in dramatic shadows.

Ivan blinked.

“Perhaps you’d like me to share some of the things I learned at the festival with you?”

“Uh, that’s okay,” Ivan said, looking desperately for a place to set his goblet down so he could make his escape. “I don’t want to trouble you—”

“It’s no trouble,” Sandoval said silkily, sinking to his knees beside Ivan and wrapping his arms around him. “You’re very lucky, you know. These are fiercely guarded secrets. I could be killed just for telling you they exist…”

His wine-stained lips found Ivan’s neck and brushed his skin. Ivan gasped despite himself. His head was spinning. The warmth of the wine permeated his entire body, from his clumsy fingers to the flushed tip of his cock. He didn’t want this. Did he? Sandoval was always trying so hard to get him into bed. It was hard for Ivan to imagine why.

Sandoval’s hands were pushing his robe aside as his lips roamed down Ivan’s chest to suck on his nipple. He gasped again and bucked under the ambassador’s touch.

“So innocent,” Sandoval murmured, his breath hot against Ivan’s goose-bump-covered skin. “Just imagine the things I can make you feel…” His tongue flicked Ivan’s nipple again and Ivan cried out. “Would you like me to show you?” His hands roamed lower, caressing the crest of Ivan’s hip.

“Nyuh,” Ivan managed. “Yhnn,” he tried again, but still failed to produce any recognizable words. Was it him, or the wine, or Sandoval’s talented fingers sweeping ever closer to his cock? This certainly beat jerking himself off into a jam jar. Even if it was the Xoan ambassador doing it.

He desisted in his half-hearted attempts to shove Sandoval off him and submitted. Sandoval purred—actually _purred_ in excitement and kissed Ivan deeply on the mouth. His tongue was warm and tasted of sweet wine and dark chocolate. He kissed Ivan like he was trying to eat him alive. Ivan melted under his touch, overwhelmed by an unbearable shock of anticipation as Sandoval’s hand wandered lower, skimming through the soft hair at the base of his cock. Touching, teasing, rendering him hard as iron and desperate for friction that would not come.

“Please,” he at last managed to gasp coherently as he pulled his mouth away from Sandoval’s.

“Took you longer to break than I thought it might,” Sandoval said with a smile. His smudged lips were swollen; his face flushed with sex. Ivan rutted upward, his teeth clenched in frustration, seeking something—anything—

Sandoval’s fingers wrapped around his cock and he fell back against the cushions, moaning in sweet relief. The ambassador knew exactly where to touch him without even trying. Gods, this was better, worlds better, than jerking himself off. Ivan closed his eyes and imagined that it was Mistress touching him, caressing his balls with her talented fingers.

“No fantasizing,” Sandoval snapped, squeezing him threateningly in a delicate area. “I can tell, you know.” He lifted Ivan’s chin with two fingers and looked into his eyes. “Tonight, you are here for me.”

Ivan nodded slowly. The ambassador had really nice cheekbones, he thought to himself. Why had he never noticed that before?

The room felt like it was spinning around him. His heart was pounding out of his chest. He groaned as Sandoval kissed his way down the side of his neck. Sex—proper sex, with another person—felt…different than he’d expected it to. He wasn’t sure if it was a case of his current partner or simply mismanaged expectations. Still, he’d thought Mistress might have mentioned the splitting headache that was rapidly growing at the base of his skull. Or the tingling numbness that had slowly taken over his hands and feet and was now spreading upward. He was starting to feel rather faint, too, even as the pleasure that was building in his core approached its peak—

Sandoval grinned, and things suddenly fell into place.

“Oh, _hell_ ,” Ivan said in irritation, trying and failing to shove himself up into a sitting position. “You said you weren’t gonna poison m—”

Everything went black.

~~~~~~

He awoke in frigid darkness, staring up at the slimy dungeon ceiling and an even slimier polyp of cleansing that was being suspended over his mouth by one of the nuns.

“N...no,” he groaned weakly. “Not again. Just let me die, thanks…”

“Now, now, poppet,” came Sandoval’s voice from somewhere nearby. “That would be quite the tragedy, and I’m not dressed for a funeral.”

Ivan’s eyes flicked down and settled on Sandoval’s blurry form standing somewhere near his feet. He groaned again. “Great.”

“Opennnn your orificccccce, mammmmmal,” the nun standing by his head hissed. The polyp flopped about wetly on the pincers holding it. Ivan scrunched his eyes closed.

“I hate you,” he said in Sandoval’s direction. He could practically hear the smugness in the smile that spread over the ambassador’s face as he started to black out again.

“A pity. It seemed to me that you were enjoying yourself very much.” Sandoval’s grin was predatory. “We’ll have to see if you still feel this way next time.”

**Author's Note:**

> The land of Cockaigne is heavily inspired by [This poem](https://www.sfsu.edu/~medieval/complaintlit/cokaygne.html), which was written by a 14th-century Irish monk. 
> 
> I love Oglaf dearly and though I've given up all hope at this point I'd love for Ivan to make a return someday. It's not quite the same without him. 
> 
> If you liked my work please consider leaving me a comment! I'd love to hear from you :)


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